ALAN NELSON

Jul 10 2014

Drunk at 2:27 a.m.

I’m sitting in what was once your front door step, waiting for everyone to arrive. Again, a wave of nostalgia and longing hits me. You should be here, picking me up off my drunk legs and sending me home. But you don’t live here anymore…

I was confronted today about why the relation between me and someone who once liked me is so hostile now. I was told that “it seems like it’s mostly coming from you” from someone else who has watched the whole ordeal unfold.

I’m fucked up! I have issues I’m trying very hard to deal with so I can be a functioning human being in “normal” society. Fuck me. I drag old frustrations into a new relationship. It sucks and I’m sorry for anyone who sees any sort of interest in me. I’m going to put you through some stuff that won’t be fair but I won’t know until you tell me “what the fuck is going on?”

Single life sucks man

Why does loving someone endlessly have to be so hard? I know it’s “not enough” but who is saying that? Does that person know what the fuck they’re doing? No. No one knows what they’re doing and that’s what the problem is. We need more people with standards. A knowledge of what they want out of a relationship and a maturity to realize that it may not come from just one person. I’m slowly learning that and it’s hard

Jun 29 2014

Bare

I came to see you today. I drank 3 cups of coffee just to talk to you and be around you.

You were the first person I saw today and that hasn’t happened in such a long time. You weren’t wearing much make up and When we locked eyes, I fell into your trap. Your skin was bare and your natural beauty radiated and filled my eyes. Those big green eyes that I could talk about for forever and your chin that used to rest on my chest those many nights where you’d listen to my heart beat.

I followed you into the dish room after you kicked my legs out from under me. You had already taken me off my feet.

You were making kung fu moves at me, like we used to play fight and I’d let you win every time. But I grabbed you and picked you up, like always. You felt smaller in my arms and I wanted to carry you around the entire restaurant. I buried my nose into your hair and took a deep breath. I love how long your hair is getting by the way. Then I told you I missed you and kissed you. You always tell me “stop” or “you can’t” but it never works.

I left with a skip in my step, happy and high off you. It wasn’t the three cups of coffee or the scotch.

…It was because I was with my other half again.

+

Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you’d follow them straight into hell, just to keep getting your fix.

Jun 23 2014

Yet Again

It’s 3am and I’m driving down the highway, circling downtown then passing the Pearl and all of the high rise apartments. I switch from talk radio to 90.1 when “Yet Again” by Grizzly Bear comes on. I turned up the volume and sat back in my seat. I felt something in me that I can’t really explain. It could be that I talked to you earlier and it got kind of sentimental. It also could be because I was headed over to your old apartment, your most recent one that you moved out of, to visit E. and talk to him about work stuff. Whatever it could have been, it brought me back to when I introduced you to this song and then when we broke up and you had told me that you listened to this song a lot while we were apart and that you missed me.

It felt weird being in E’s apartment. I had only ever seen it as your apartment and the way it looked when you lived there. Déjà vous struck me. I left and it felt like I was leaving YOUR little apartment by the alley. I was ready to pick Carrots up and tell him his cat daddy loves him and was going to see him soon. But it wasn’t your apartment anymore. Carrots is with me.

It didn’t smell like you anymore….

Jun 21 2014

Still and always will be in your corner

I’ve seen it happen way too many times: The nice guy loses the girl for being exactly who he is.

What’s even worse is if he’s really the nice guy, he’s going to lose her and say nothing about it. He’ll accept it as something she truly wants and give her his best wishes, as she walks away being everything he could ever want.

On behalf of all the nice guys out there, this is to the girl who walked out on the best thing that ever happened to her:

"Dear Girl Who Walked Away,

It’s not like you weren’t aware of what you were getting yourself into. He told you he was nice. He trusted easily and gave you all he could when he could.

The nice guy believes in doing things right. He was there when you needed him to be, and he went out of his way to make sure you knew just how much you could mean to someone.

We live in a generation where we all have to wear masks and play parts to make it through the battlefield of dating in the 21st century. There is no such thing as giving it your all.

We like quotes on Facebook and post things on Instagram stating we want the masochist one day and the romantic the next. We play these games where being available can only happen sometimes, and playing hard-to-get must be our number one priority. Why?

I thought the ultimate goal was to eventually settle down. I mean, what is the point of dating if you have no desire for it to go anywhere? If a one-night stand is what you’re looking for, leave the good guys alone and toy within the levels you lay down.

Save yourself time and energy because the good guy isn’t going to make it easy to just walk away. The good guy cares, so he’ll get his explanation from you even though he knows it’ll be a load of bull.

Every girl says she likes the assh*le because he’s the challenge — the one she must break, train and force to be more than just a douchebag. Have you ever thought, however, maybe you were the girl in need of learning what it means to actually feel again?

You went through something, like we all do, and because of it you changed. It’s normal and heartbreak happens, but the next assh*le didn’t fix what the first one did; he kept it the same or made it worse. His priority was not you and couldn’t be you. So now you’re bitter and closed off from anything remotely more satisfying than a one-night stand.

I won’t deny that the assh*le is fun or that a good time isn’t promised with him, but when it’s all said and done, is it ever more than just a good time? Probably not.

In fact, the assh*le has a charm about him; it’s the charm you justify your pursuit with. You say, “There’s just something about him.” However, it’s probably the same quality that ended up hurting you in the past.

So you tried to push the nice guy away. When he wouldn’t go away, you pushed harder. Still, he didn’t give up and every time you pushed harder, he pulled you in even more.

He ignored your fears and forced you to grow; he fought for your passions when you were too busy writing them off. He forgot your wants and focused on everything you needed. Then you walked away because he was too nice.

He gave you too much of everything you wanted, and life got too easy. You wanted conflict and hardship as if everything else in life did not promise you an endless journey of just that. This is where you failed.

The nice guy has been hurt, too, he just chose to stay nice. He learned that different people were going to provide him different things in life. The nice guy also chose not to let any of it change who he was.

So, he let you walk away and he called it a day. Everyone always says there are plenty of fish in the sea, and he let you go knowing this, even though it hurt.

What you don’t know is that someone else is out there, and she won’t be as foolish you. When you realize all you really want is the nice guy who cares about you too much, it’s going to be too late. Some other girl will be able to see how great he is, and she won’t waste a minute.

he was Samson and you were his Delilah. The nice guys are there to give you a break, a light to something more than the games we identify our generation with.

He may have loved you too soon and it was too crazy and too much, but guys like him don’t happen every day; they happen never. He made you feel love when love was no longer a part of your vocabulary. You were now saying “I love you” again and remembering what it felt like.

He was the guy you were supposed to end up with, who makes everything change. I just wish you’d see it before another girl does because at the end of the day, everyone, including the nice guy you don’t deserve, is rooting only for you.

Sincerely, The Girl Who Was Too Late”

Jun 16 2014

It’s 6:20 am and I just laid in bed from working out at the gym. Every time I am pulling out of the parking lot, I look around to see if maybe you’re out running or maybe I’ll see your car drive past. But then I have to remind myself, “She doesn’t live down the street anymore, you fool. She moved to a new place.” It’s almost like when I would wake up in the morning but before I opened my eyes, I would smell you on my pillows and roll over to spoon you, bury my face in the back of your neck and feel the little hairs rise against my lips, then your curls to breathe you in deeply and fill my lungs with your essence, and softly kiss your shoulders to taste you and be comforted by it all. But I would be heartbroken again and again when I realized you weren’t actually there. Although your scent has long drifted away from my pillow, I still search for you, after everything and after all this time apart…

When I think about you, I don’t think about the how it ended or the pain that I went through. I think about how you and I were discovering that we are soul mates. I think about your smile and how much joy you brought into my life.

“If I could be with this beautiful, complex woman, whom I have developed an intense adoration and unconditional love for, and see her smile and enjoy life and all it’s wonders, I am truly the blessed.”

I think about how I used to not believe in soul mates until I met mine. I knew because doing things that made you love yourself and life in general made me feel completely whole. Do soul mates maybe just drift apart for a little bit then become partners again on their own time? Do soul mates ever NOT belong to each other? I remember talking to you about how we knew each other in previous lives but for some reason, that exact time just wasn’t the right time for us to be together. When I met you, after some time, I felt like I had known you my entire life. Do you remember the letter you wrote to me that described how you felt the exact same way?

I don’t know if this is the right time for us to be together, again. But I do know that we belong to one another, that we are for each other, that we’re soul mates.

I’ve done the research and the results always point me to you.

Jun 14 2014

Jun 13 2014

2049

It’s 4:24 AM on Friday the 13th. The rain had stopped about 15 minutes ago so I step outside for a breath of fresh air. There’s a full moon hanging in the sky, illuminating the shape of the clusters of clouds as each one passes by.
Everything appears so clear and detailed but pale as I watch the drops of rain pool together on the cold concrete. A full moon on Friday the 13th? Isn’t that like, double bad luck? I read an article that read that this would be the last time a full moon occurred on Friday the 13th, with the next being in 35 years. This won’t happen again until we are in our 50’s and 60’s. Could you imagine what we will be like, where life had taken us and led us to at that point?
Forget the superstitions and the bad luck, the evil and macabre images shrouding the two events….

I find this occasion to be gorgeously romantic…

The moon and the sun differ by exactly 180 degrees in ecliptic longitude, as if face to face with one another. The moon has an entire hemisphere irradiated by the sun, the same “face” seen by both you and I. You were the first and only person I thought to talk to about the beautiful moon and night air. I thought to myself as I was talking to you, “When I look up and see the moon in it’s fullness, the rest of the world in muted beauty, you also see the same moon and the same beauty. We experience the same environment and views. We share this moment”.
We have been standing on the dark side of the moon for several months and have finally reached a time of complete illumination by the Sun. Truth. Light.
We’ve made a complete turn around since September. We can be honest with each other again. It’s not awkward to be in each other’s company, not like it was after things came apart. My washed out heart brightens, knowing that we can talk to each other almost like the best friends we once were.
It’s almost like meeting you for the first time all over again.

May 29 2014

Can’t take my eyes off of you

You’re laughing and you smile as your chin tucks into your chest. You look up at me and your eyes shimmer in the sunlight: those amazing, soft emeralds that have melted my heart since the first time I got lost in them. I’m hit with a wave of the past, caught in the net of your vermillion gaze and you keep me there, staring back at me with that little smirk your supple lips make when I know, for sure, that you’re genuinely happy in that moment. My eyes squint and focus on you as my head cocks to the side and I’m thinking to myself…

"I’m so fucked…"

May 26 2014

It’s 4 am and I’m soaking wet

The rain falls constantly and drops off my bangs, running onto my face. I take off my glasses to wipe them dry but my shirt is soaked.

I’m standing outside your door as the rain pours tonight. I don’t know what brought me here or what made me want to stand outside your little apartment this early in the morning in this weather. But I’m here and all I can think about is kissing your lips, hard, when you open the door and realize it’s me.

This wretched weather, as miserable as it is to everyone else, is beautiful to me. I can remember many nights in our old apartment when the rain would spill out of the clouds and I would be awake, laying next to you beside the window. I would watch the droplets splash against the window, which was really just a piece of plexiglass (remember?) and a small pool of water would form on the window sill. Thunder would crash, lighting up the sky and our room and during the flash, I would look over at you, sleeping, fully illuminated and beautiful, then back to darkness until the next brief instance of light.

I never got much sleep on those nights but I didn’t mind because everything was in perfect balance: outside was chaos and renewal, next to me was the love of my life and peace.

You are the smell of rain. You are the brief moment of light during the tumultuous storm. You are the shelter from the chaos.

I miss you most when it rains, when we used to put on a movie and just stay in bed, legs entwined and your back against my chest, with your warm neck on my chin, your curly waves of hair in my face and my arms wrapped around you.

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