ALAN NELSON

11:16

We got back from the restaurant a few hours ago and picked up some things from the grocery store: milk, face wash, watermelon. I played guitar and sang while you quietly listened and read the book I gave you. As I ran out of songs to sing, you slowly began to sleep. At first, you paused after the last song and asked, “Are you going to play some more?”. I would start another and I would see out of the corner of my eye that your eyes were closed. You looked content.
You’re still asleep on the couch, hand on your cheek as your breathing becomes heavy and more rhythmic. I am wide awake because I decided it was a good idea to drink a cup of coffee earlier in the evening. Well, now you’re sleeping and I’m left with nothing to do but watch you sleep and listen to your breathing. I don’t want to wake you up because last night when I did that, you woke up grumpy and cranky. I don’t want to lay in your bed because then I would fall asleep and later wake up, panicking because you aren’t sleeping next to me. I’m sorry if that freaks you out and it seems like an irrational reaction, but it’s a real one for me. It’s strange for me not to have you inches away from me when I sleep over, just as it’s uncomfortable for you to be the only one awake in an apartment not your own.
I really enjoy spending time with you. You’re a lot of fun to be around and I like to do and say things that make you laugh and smile. I don’t know how I got to be in your life, but I am glad that I am.

I’m not the dancing type.

I’m different outside of work.

I’m an observer.

I’m not a hyper, energetic drunk.

I think you’re cute, but you have to understand that even though I’m not bouncing around with a giant smile on my face, I’m happy to see you.

Being an introvert doesn’t mean I’m boring; I just don’t get the same energy you do from being in crowds.

Pain
I guess it’s a matter of sensation
But somehow you have a way of avoiding it all
In my mind
I have shot you and stabbed you through your heart
I just didn’t understand
The ricochet is the second part

‘Cause you can’t hide what you intend
It glows in the dark
Once you’ve sought
The path of revenge
There’s no way to stop and the more I try to hurt you
The more it hurts me

Strange
It seems like a character mutation
Though I have all the means of bringing you fuckers down
I can’t make myself
To destroy upon command
Somehow forgiveness lets the evil make the laws

No you can’t hide what you intend
It glows in the dark
Once we’ve become the thing we dread
There’s no way to stop and the more I try to hurt you
The more it backfires

Why do you cry when you know how the story ends?
How can you laugh when you know that it hurts your friends?
We’ve all been there once but you never left
This is me coming back to get you
I have to say goodbye to make amends
I’m not leaving this place
Unless I’m leaving with you
You’re the only person with a half decent heart
And I know you will put it to use
Until it’s gone, gone, gone
Gone, gone, gone
Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, yeah

Na, na, na…

Well as you close your eyes for the big sleep
I hope you think of me, yeah

Na, na, na…

And if you go, I’ll be gone
And you’ll be left alone to live your life as you please
But someday you’ll agree that I was always meant for you
And you were always meant for me and you will see that you’re impossible
You’re impossible
You’re impossible
You’re impossible

Me and Mr. Dylan on the ride home
We had a heart to heart about life
But neither him or me could decide for ourselves
If we wanted to outlive that night
Like two children on the playground of the unconfessed souls
Abandoned by our mothers and our lovers and our foes
If only we were brave enough to live the lives we stole
What a wonderful world this could be

Na, na, na…

Well as you close your eyes for the big sleep
I hope you think of me, yeah

Na, na, na…

And if you go, I’ll be gone
And you’ll be left alone to live your life as you please
But someday you’ll agree that I was always meant for you
You were always meant for me and you will see that you’re impossible
You’re impossible
You’re impossible
You’re impossible

So how many more examples until we break?
How many sacrifices must we make?
‘Cause we’ve all been there once before
And it looks like we’ve returned once more
Is this the beginning or the end?

The last two soldiers on the battlefield
Survivors of the war
They aim at one another while their mothers beg the lord
“if you’re listening, I’m missing him
So somehow bring him home
How did it come to this?”
So the soldiers lift their rifles and
They’re aiming at the head
They think of their first love before they take their final breaths
And somewhere in the distance
They hear something someone said: “how did it come to this?”

Well as you close your eyes for the big sleep
I hope you think of me, yeah

Na, na, na…

Well as you close your eyes for the big sleep
I hope you think of me, yeah

Na, na, na…

I woke up in my apartment to the sound of indiscernible voices and foot steps creeping along the floorboards above my bed. I get out of my bed and leave the covers on the floor. A quick panic rushes over me; am I getting robbed? Is this happening again? I peek outside l through my broken blinds and see a Jeep parked in the driveway. Three people are inside, three women, and they all have this look on their faces, as if they are anticipating getting caught for a crime in progress.
My heart starts to beat faster. I walk outside to approach the car and I see another woman, slender and unkempt, come from the upstairs apartment with nothing in her hands.
“Are you checking out the apartment to rent?”, I ask her.
“No,” she says, then briskly walks to the parked Jeep.
The Jeep then takes off in reverse and drives calmly down the street until all I see are little red taillights that vanish into the horizon.
I walk back into my apartment and start checking to see if all of my belongings are still in their places. As I’m fingering through my DVDs, books, and games, there’s a knock on my door. I open the door and it’s my parents. They look like they have been drinking all night but they also looked pissed off at me for some reason. They always had a reason. Whether it was that I didn’t finish school, that I owed them, that I didn’t call my grandparents enough, it was always something.
“Son, we have to talk,” my father said to me, the pupils of his eyes rolling around in their sockets.
I moaned and went into my bedroom, fell into bed and pulled the covers up off the ground and over my legs. They followed me in and say down next to me.
“Look, I know you’ve been working and that’s great, but where did your drive go?”, my father said. His voice was full of saliva; he should clear his throat.
“You had such ambition after high school, big dreams of becoming a writer and an English teacher, Alan,” my mother said.
“What would the Alan from graduation say to the present day Alan?,” my father asked, his voice muffled by spit.
“Dad, clear you’re throat,” I told him with half opened eyes.
“Look at you. Look where you live. Your apartment is in constant squalor, you don’t get enough sleep, your neighbors are criminals. You need a better situation, boy,” my father lectured, his head cocked back as if he were talking to the ceiling.
I had had enough. I busted my ass all day, every day in a busy kitchen for less than what I deserve, with people I’m nice to but don’t recognize as “friends”, and here’s this slovenly man who I call “father” telling me to do better in life. So I got up out of bed, got dressed in some jeans and a white shirt and walked out of the apartment. The neighbor across the street was a cop and he was outside with his family. His little girls were playing tea party in the front yard while he was working on his custom police cruiser in the garage, and the misses was watering the garden with a giant straw hat on. I go into the driveway of the apartment and hop onto my motorcycle, custom built with big fins that rose up off the back like wings, “ape hanger” handlebars and more chrome than a Friday night at the swap meet. I see my parents come out and stand in the doorway. I peel out of the driveway and down the street, the same street the Jeep went.
“Is that thing even street legal?”, my father says to my mother.
All of a sudden, the Jeep comes full speed and T-bones my bike and I at the intersection. I had run the stop sign and was now soaring through the air, 20 feet high. I hit the ground hard. My bike came skidding across the road, sparks flying and the terrible sound of metal scraping against the pavement. Oddly enough, I just stood up and picked up my bike. The Jeep sped away, just like before. I could feel everyone’s eyes; the beady little eyes of the teddy bears and Barbies the little girls were having a tea party with, my parents as they stood in horror to see their only son get hit by a car, the woman in her garden as she dropped the hose to the ground, water rushing out onto the concrete walkway in front of the house. I got back on my bike, kick started the engine and rode off in the opposite direction.
I wanted it to end, all of it. I hated my job. I hated my living conditions. I hated when my parents would hound me to make a better life for myself. I hated the constant feeling of being watched, recorded and followed that I had ever since I got robbed.
I was picking up speed down a hill in the neighborhood. Houses were just brick and mortar blurs in my peripherals and I could see the end of the road coming fast. I popped the curb and kept on the dirt road that wound its way into the forest; I just kept going straight. It didn’t matter at that point. Trees were spaced just enough through my path that I didn’t slam right into one. A rush came over me, a pure mix of adrenaline and ecstasy. I hit a small downed tree and flew over my handlebars, my skull coming in contact with the front wheel as I flipped over. My body flew over 30 feet in the air like a rag doll and I was weightless. During the airtime I got, I felt nothing and thought nothing, my mind a blank canvas. People always say, that in their near death experiences, that their lives flash before their eyes. Not me. I saw white space and heard nothing but white noise, as it a flash ant went off right next to my ears.
I came down and my body dug deep into the soil. This time i would not be getting up. Still, I felt nothing. I let out a final sigh and closed my eyes, the dust shrouding me and it was all over.