ALAN NELSON

Jul 28 2014

I could be like the rest of them,
And say a piece of me dies
When you leave my touch.
I have said it before.
But the truth? I never die.
I was simply reborn in your distance-

I am a version of my
Solitude
That knows I have you.
There is no reason to ache.

Being alone fuels our
Fire even more.

— Christopher Poindexter

Jul 14 2014
Jul 12 2014

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Happy birthday, Pablo Neruda

Here’s a poem from a book of Pablo’s works that I gave to you for Christmas

"The Song of Despair"

The memory of you emerges from the night around me.
The river mingles its stubborn lament with the sea.
Deserted like the warves at dawn.
It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!
Cold flower heads are raining over my heart.
Oh pit oh debris, fierce cave of the shipwrecked.
In you the wars and the flights accumulated.
From you the wings of the song bird rose.
You swallowed everything, like distance.
Like the sea, like times. In you everything sank!
It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss.
The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.
Pilot’s dread, fury of a blind diver,
turblulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank!
In the childhood of mist my soul, winged and wounded.
Lost discoverer, in you everything sank!
You girdled sorrow, you clung to desire,
adness stunned you, in you everything sank!
I made the wall of shadow draw back,
beyond deside and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost,
I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you.
Like a jar you housed the infinite tenderness.
and the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.
There was the black solitude of the islands,
and there, woman of love, your arms took me in.
There were thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit.
There were grief and the ruins, and you were the miracle.
Ah woman, I do not konw how you could contain me
in the earth of your soul, in the cross of your arms!
How terrible and brief was my desire of you!
How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.
Cemetery of kisses, there is still fire in your tombs,
still the fruited boughs burn, pecked at by birds.
Oh the bitten mouth, oh the kissed limbs,
oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.
Oh the mad coupling of hope and force
in which we merged and despaired.
And the tenderness, light as water and as flour.
And the word scarcely begun on the lips.
This was my destiny and in it was the voyage of my longing,
and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank!
Oh pit of debris, everything fell into you,
what sorrow did you not express, in what sorrow are you not drowned!
From billow to billow you still called and sang.
Standing like a sailor in the prow of a vessel.
You still flowered in songs, you still broke in currents.
Oh pit of debris, open and bitter well.
Pale and blind diver, luckless slinger,
lost discoverer, in you everything sank!
It is the hour of departure, the hard cold hour
which the night fastens to all the timetables.
The rustling belt of the sea girdles the shore.
Cold stars heave up, black birds migrate.
Deserted like the warves at dawn.
Only the tremulous shadow twists in my hands.
Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.
It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!

Jul 10 2014

The First Time You Fall In Love Could Determine The Course Of Your Entire Life

The premise that the first time you fall in love could make or break your entire life goes against a lot of logic. While I believe it to be a very true statement, it’s not as doom and gloom as it sounds. There are a couple of different routes you may choose to take and the decision is still up to you. Just like anything in life, you have a choice.

My whole premise was inspired by the following Chuck Klosterman quote:

“We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy.

The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count.

But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years.

But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable.

The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins.

They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

The first couple times I read that, I was blown away and didn’t really want to believe that it was the case. However, the more I thought about the true meaning behind the quote, I realized it was probably the truest thing I had ever read about love.

First and foremost, we need to create our own definitions of love. I’m not referring to the “love” you find when you’re 15 and on the phone with your crush for three hours or the “love” you find during college when you have no idea where your life is headed or where you want to be or who you want to be.

I am talking about the rawest imaginable form of love; the love where every decision you make involves that other person. You go to bed thinking of the person, dream about the person and wake up thinking about the person. Every scenario you envision yourself having in life includes this person right by your side. The thought of this person ending up with someone other than you leaves you with a physically crippling stomachache.

That is the love I am defining.

Anyone can fall in this kind of love at any stage in life, but more likely than not, you will only experience this when you meet the person during the “first time you really, really, want to love someone” phase. I believe that it’s more likely to occur when you know yourself and what you really want in life. Maybe it’s not until you’re in your mid-twenties; maybe it’s earlier or maybe it’s later.

The easiest and least complicated way to explain this theory is the fairytale scenario. It is quite simple: You fall in love once, you both know it and you stay together forever. To the .001 percent of people who experience this, congratulations, you can stop reading now.

For the rest of us, once you do experience or “fall” in love that first time, there will be some twists and turns that you will have to accept. Many of these are comparable to the “fight or flight” response. Let’s say you meet that person who will eventually define what love means to you, but it falls apart or it does not work out.

Now, let’s assume you don’t take it very well. Whatever reason was for the breakup, it knocks you on your ass and you don’t which way to turn. You are unsure you will make a full recovery.

The flight scenario response to this may be “safe,” but it has a limited upside otherwise. You run from the heartache and try to replace it with something, strictly to fill the void. You will likely rush into a bad relationship because it’s comforting and it makes you feel less alone.

Meanwhile, this new person could be the worst person in the world, but because he or she happens to catch you at your lowest point, it feels right. Odds are, this will lead to nothing but sadness and an early midlife crisis in the future.

You will continue to jump from relationship to relationship, searching for what you had with that first individual, but you’re too blind to understand that you will NEVER find that feeling again until you learn to let go of it.

Many people are unable let go of that raw love feeling and they miss or pass up on other opportunities to experience something just as good, if not better, than what they think they had. Remember, the grass is not as green over there as you think it will be.

The fight scenario offers a much better upside, but can still leave you just as jaded and quite possibly, emptier than the flight scenario will. The fight scenario is basically a giant slap in the face. This scenario interprets the heartbreak and defeat as eye openers to ignite a fire from within that is stronger than any feeling you’ve ever felt.

With this option, you learn to hate love. You promise yourself you will never feel that way again; you will never open yourself up or let anyone harm you emotionally, ever again. You start focusing on yourself and your health and your career and whatever you decide to be passionate about. You pursue it at a rate that you never had before.

While this is not a bad thing, you will eventually slow down, take a step back and realize the whole reason for this new and improved you is because of that person. You’ll know deep down that this person made you this way, that this person can “control how you feel about everyone else.”

At some point down the line, you’ll realize what made you the way you are. It will be like a flashback and you’ll be taken aback knowing that while you thought you were doing everything in spite of this person to better yourself, ultimately, you spited yourself by being so closed off to the rest of life’s experiences.

Many people are absolutely okay with being alone their entire lives. If they feel gratified by their lives, they have no problem bouncing from meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship until the day they die. I don’t judge these people in the slightest. I just feel that life is better when shared with someone you love.

When every breathtaking moment you experience is with a new individual, you’re only creating moments, not memories. Those people will eventually move on and you’ll be left reminiscing with yourself.

So, the question remains, how can you avoid this? Every person copes with loss in his or her own way, and while losing someone to a relationship is far different than losing someone to death, you are still left missing someone. If and when you experience this love and loss phenomenon, you must focus on making yourself a better person while not punishing your future relationships for a past relationship’s unfortunate ending.

Focus on realizing your worth. How you choose to accomplish this does not matter. How you choose to motivate yourself to do it doesn’t matter, either, so long as you do it. If you continue to better yourself every single day and not hold grudges, you will have no regrets.

If you end up alone or if you find a new person who redefines what love means to you, you’ll find that true happiness is attainable in many different forms.

Love is a strangely dangerous game. That’s why they call it “falling in love” and not “rising to love.” Eventually, you’ll hit the bottom, no matter what path you take. Depending on your attitude and decisions on the way down, the bottom can be the greatest place in the world or the loneliest. Choose wisely.

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Drunk at 2:27 a.m.

I’m sitting in what was once your front door step, waiting for everyone to arrive. Again, a wave of nostalgia and longing hits me. You should be here, picking me up off my drunk legs and sending me home. But you don’t live here anymore…

I was confronted today about why the relation between me and someone who once liked me is so hostile now. I was told that “it seems like it’s mostly coming from you” from someone else who has watched the whole ordeal unfold.

I’m fucked up! I have issues I’m trying very hard to deal with so I can be a functioning human being in “normal” society. Fuck me. I drag old frustrations into a new relationship. It sucks and I’m sorry for anyone who sees any sort of interest in me. I’m going to put you through some stuff that won’t be fair but I won’t know until you tell me “what the fuck is going on?”

Single life sucks man

Why does loving someone endlessly have to be so hard? I know it’s “not enough” but who is saying that? Does that person know what the fuck they’re doing? No. No one knows what they’re doing and that’s what the problem is. We need more people with standards. A knowledge of what they want out of a relationship and a maturity to realize that it may not come from just one person. I’m slowly learning that and it’s hard

Jun 29 2014

Bare

I came to see you today. I drank 3 cups of coffee just to talk to you and be around you.

You were the first person I saw today and that hasn’t happened in such a long time. You weren’t wearing much make up and When we locked eyes, I fell into your trap. Your skin was bare and your natural beauty radiated and filled my eyes. Those big green eyes that I could talk about for forever and your chin that used to rest on my chest those many nights where you’d listen to my heart beat.

I followed you into the dish room after you kicked my legs out from under me. You had already taken me off my feet.

You were making kung fu moves at me, like we used to play fight and I’d let you win every time. But I grabbed you and picked you up, like always. You felt smaller in my arms and I wanted to carry you around the entire restaurant. I buried my nose into your hair and took a deep breath. I love how long your hair is getting by the way. Then I told you I missed you and kissed you. You always tell me “stop” or “you can’t” but it never works.

I left with a skip in my step, happy and high off you. It wasn’t the three cups of coffee or the scotch.

…It was because I was with my other half again.

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Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you’d follow them straight into hell, just to keep getting your fix.

Jun 23 2014

Yet Again

It’s 3am and I’m driving down the highway, circling downtown then passing the Pearl and all of the high rise apartments. I switch from talk radio to 90.1 when “Yet Again” by Grizzly Bear comes on. I turned up the volume and sat back in my seat. I felt something in me that I can’t really explain. It could be that I talked to you earlier and it got kind of sentimental. It also could be because I was headed over to your old apartment, your most recent one that you moved out of, to visit E. and talk to him about work stuff. Whatever it could have been, it brought me back to when I introduced you to this song and then when we broke up and you had told me that you listened to this song a lot while we were apart and that you missed me.

It felt weird being in E’s apartment. I had only ever seen it as your apartment and the way it looked when you lived there. Déjà vous struck me. I left and it felt like I was leaving YOUR little apartment by the alley. I was ready to pick Carrots up and tell him his cat daddy loves him and was going to see him soon. But it wasn’t your apartment anymore. Carrots is with me.

It didn’t smell like you anymore….

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