ALAN NELSON

I tend to act from my emotions but when I listen to my heart, it always leads me to you. I don’t believe in God or religion but I value what is sacred and that every moment of life with you is sacred. I don’t vote during elections but everyday I elect you into a place of reverence in my heart and soul.

I want to spend my one and only life investing all of my interest in you. And the only thing you have to do to “keep me interested” is to be you: sweet, funny, beautiful you.

What happened

I don’t even remember the last time we had a civil conversation. For the past month, it seems, it’s been fighting and arguing, misunderstanding and cold shoulders. We had might as well be the worst of enemies but despite all of this conflict, I still love her very much. That hasn’t changed at all. I still believe she’s who I am supposed to grow old with. But it’s hard to hold onto that when all we do is struggle to find common ground.
I feel as though I’ve lost my best friend, lover and soul mate. I know I fucked up. I know I didn’t do the right things. I admit that this mostly my fault. I didn’t want the end to come but when it did, I handled it like a little brat instead of a man. I lost sight of what I was really losing: the honest-to-God love of my life.

It’s 5:37 a.m. and I am awake, texting my mom that I have to stay over at the house again, indefinitely. …my love and I had a long, emotional talk and decided that, for the sake of our relationship, we have to break up for right now.

FOR THE SAKE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP, WE HAVE TO BREAK UP FOR RIGHT NOW.

I never gave her the space and time she asked for. I still texted her, I still dropped by to pick things up, I still initiated her. Those things showed my neediness and I couldn’t give her what she was asking for. And it’s now come to this: moving my things out of the apartment we share into a storage unit for at least a month and a half from now, a date we agreed to. During this time there will be no contact and we aren’t dating other people.

The reason for the split is that she needs to find her way in this world, needs to find happiness with herself. She lashes out at me for the way her life is and she doesn’t want to keep doing that. Neither do I, but I don’t want THIS. I’ve taken this much better than I took the earlier attempt at a “break”.

Luckily I have the day off today, so I guess my plans have shifted from going to Austin to get a bathing suit and play some disc golf, to the longest day of moving my things out of our halfway painted, fruit fly plagued little apartment. I am, however, leaving her with my bed, so she doesn’t have to sleep on a damn air mattress. Plus I don’t have the room for it anywhere else.

The news came to me at such an in opportune time: right after an extremely stressful night at work. She had the day off to contemplate everything and she decided that this was the only way. I came home after work and she was sitting on the couch when she told me to sit down next to her. I sat down and she laid it on me. I didn’t know how to take it at first. I had just come from a stress filled environment to this, a talk about out decaying relationship and her need to find herself and that she feels bad for displacing me. What could I do at this point? What was I supposed to think? I was thinking that we had patched things up. For the most part, we had: we’d spent the last 2 days together and it was great. I felt as though we were back together as a couple like we were last month: happy and content with each other. But I was wrong. She was giving it a shot but ultimately decided to end it for now.

So I’m going to stay with my parents for the time being. They live almost 30 minutes away from where I work so I’m going to have to get used to waking up early, leaving early and seeing my old house. My things will be in storage indefinitely. This will give me a chance to downsize a little bit though. I learned from our previous attempt that I really don’t need that many clothes. But this isn’t going to be a fun day in the least. I will probably break at some point and stall moving out. I’ll think in my mind that this really is the end, but I can’t control anything that’s happening. I’ll probably start cursing her name for doing this to me. I’ll probably lose my shit when, at the end of the day I leave this apartment for a month and see how empty it is.

She’s going to miss the shit out of me. And I’m going to need to be strong about this whole ordeal; to not contact her or her mom, to not think that she did this to me so that she could see other people (we both agreed not to date other people. I did tell her that if she breaks that promise *SNAP* she will be written off like THAT. She will be dead to me), to not think that there isn’t a chance for us in the future to get back together and move forward from all of this.

I’m so sorry for everything. I never thought I’d be in this situation. But I am and I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got. If this is what it takes to love the one I’ve found then I’m going to have to do this with my head held high. I can’t let my relationship affect my professional aspirations or my new job in an amazing restaurant. In fact this will fuel that fire and give me more time to focus on it.

I don’t want anybody else. I don’t want to get over you. But I also don’t want you to be unhappy while you are with me. I want all of you, not just a part that’s happy. You had all of me, 100%.

All we can hope for is that you find your way and the way to happiness, and when that time comes, hopefully we will still want to get back together.

This is goodbye.

one step at a time

i sent a text to you to see if it was okay if i came over to get some more clothes and take a shower after work. i knew it was a risky question, but i asked anyway: “is it okay if i sleep here tonight?” i could tell my question made you uncomfortable after asking it, but i had convinced myself earlier in the evening that you were ready to have me over again. i thought to myself, “what have i got to lose?”, but i was wrong. you still need time and space from us. to find yourself, BY YOURSELF. and from the realization of my last post, this is just how the person i’ve found and fell in love with is. i can’t do anything to change your mind. i can’t do anything to help you. it’s your life. i’ve come to realize that i just need to suck it up, not take it personally, and continue being my caring, ever so patient self; the wonderful person you met and grew to love months ago

i know you love me. i know you miss me. i also know that you don’t know what to do about this. i know we can’t just go back to two weeks ago, before i was saying hurtful things and doing things i knew in my heart aren’t right. i got very emotional because i wasn’t listening to what you were REALLY saying and lashed out at you and that was wrong and I’m sorry, So very, very sorry, my love.

I know i gave you a deadline of when you needed to come up with something, to tell me where we stand, if “we” exist anymore. i was still angry and that made me impatient. BUT FUCK ALL THAT.

Take all the time you need apart from me to figure things out, love of mine. i’m not going anywhere; that’s a guarantee. This is a meaningful, extremely important and also very sensitive subject: your life and where you want to take it. it was rude and selfish of me to give you a deadline. that’s NOT how you love the person who you have said so many times to yourself and everyone you know, “she’s the one.” being patient, kind and brave are what i can do and i like to think i’m pretty good at being those things.

you mean so much to me that i’ll wait for you, however long it takes for you to be at peace with your life. i just want you to be in mine and me in yours. i love you.

Every relationship has a cycle: in the beginning, you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love.

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.” Picture the expression: it implies that you were just standing there, doing nothing and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens) and your partner’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you crazy. The symptoms of this stage will vary with every relationship: you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angrier subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relatopnships break down.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not FINDING the right person; it’s LEARNING TO LOVE the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Infidelity is the most common, but sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better, but you’d be in the same situation later.

Remember: the key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.

Sustaining love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort and energy. And most importantly, it demands wisdom. You have to know what to do to make it work.

Love is not a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner). Just as there are physical laws of the universe, there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a DECISION, not just a feeling.

It’s all come to a head

She and I have spent the past week arguing, fighting, and miscommunicating. She tells me I need to get my act together if this relationship is going to last and I took it that she is bored and tired with me. Things got heated and I did some things that I immediately regret doing. I am so sorry.

Then something happened, an unfortunate event in your life and I thought that this was my chance to make up for what happened, to maybe redeem myself and restore our peace. But I didn’t do the right things in the correct order and I fucked up. I should have given you the space you needed, along with the time you needed to sort things out. I was selfish and wanted acknowledgement for my actions but i failed to realise that it wasn’t about me and what I did for you. You needed your own space and your own time first then outside support. I also didn’t wake up to the fact that, what happened to you, happened to you. It’s no one else’s business but yours.

So, here we are. It’s 2:30 am on a brisk Sunday night. You’re at the apartment we share and I drove to leave you alone and to spend time to myself sorting my life out. You watched me pack my bag and grabbed me to hold me close but I pulled away. I was angry, sad and heartbroken all at the same time. I knew that if I let you continue to hug me it would be monumentally more difficult for me to leave. That’s why I shook you off and continued to pack my bags. It’s not that I didn’t want your affection. Believe me, that’s ALL that I want right now. But if I am going to try to make things right and give you the space I took from you when you needed it, then I’m going to have to be allowed to be cold and disconnected. That’s the only way I know I will be able to cope with this separation, for lack of a better word. I don’t even like using the word “separation” to describe what this is. In fact I don’t know what to call this indefinite period of time. But I do know that this is for the best, if we do it right and remind ourselves why we are doing this.

So this is goodbye for now. I don’t like it, you don’t like it, nobody wants it this way but its the way it has to be. Please don’t make this harder by texting me that you miss me or that you love me. I know those things. I feel the exact same way. Sort things out, compartmentalise the emotions and feelings that are coursing through your mind and always keep in mind that I love you unconditionally.

Goodbye.

It’s Friday nite and I feel like such an asshole

I’ve done it again. I can’t believe I did it again. And, just like last time, I have nothing to say for myself, except that I am an asshole.

We had another fight today…and it’s still going on. Because of me, my ego and my selfish ways. I just couldn’t let it go. I kept thinking about it and thinking about it, and the more I did, the more depressed I got about it all, letting my mind wander into unlikely territory. You say that you love me, but in the back of my head, for some reason,  I feel like you could leave me at any given moment because of something I did and not even give me a second thought. This sounds irrational because you aren’t like that, but even as I am typing this entry, I can’t help but to think that some guy is talking a smooth line to you, then makes a move on you and takes you away and any memory of me is thrown out with the bath water. I hate feeling this way but I don’t know where it came from and why it’s still here or how to get rid of it. We had been doing just fine a few weeks ago, but for the past week these thoughts have been haunting me.

I don’t want to keep doing this to myself. I feel like if this keeps on, then you are going to be forced to leave me because I was so self-conscious, selfish and insecure that it drives you away. And that’s the last thing I ever want to do. EVER.

So please, please be patient with me.

It’s 8:16 p.m. on a cool Sunday night and I am alone in my apartment. I cleaned today, not just because it needed to be cleaned but to preoccupy myself from a much bigger problem. I mopped the floors, picked up all the trash, washed the dishes and even took out the trash. But I’m still stuck thinking about how I upset her. I feel like my hopes and dreams of living with her, away from here, are suddenly slipping through my fingertips like grains of sand; my arms are paralyzed and I can’t move them.

I had good intentions and I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. Maybe that’s the problem: I’m not even aware of what I’m doing. It doesn’t matter if was intentional or not. At this point, no amount of apologizing seems to help and I have to just watch more grains of sand pass through my hands. I keep saying the wrong things. All I can hope for is that she will come to see that I thought I was doing a good thing.

i’m such an asshole. why do i hurt the one person who is good to me in my life right now? i took her for granted. i took advantage of her. and now she wants to re-evaluate our relationship and see if she wants to make this work, which scares the hell out of me.

i need to change. i need to give a fuck once in a while. i’ve been so damn selfish and now i’m seeing the results of it. what is life worth living for if you just do whatever you want and not see that it affects anyone else? i need to kick this thought into high gear and make her happy.

she means everything to me. i should let her know that all the time.

if you want me, then take me

you will have all of me

but there’s one thing you must do

i have to have all of you too.

i’m not sure about this

you’re being “hit or miss”

there’s just no way to tell

just one sentence and my heart fell

i don’t know what to say

i just want to forget about today

you say i’m pretty good

if you could have it all day, then you would

you’re all i want anymore

for that, i’m sure

if you want me, then take me

you will have me completely

but there’s one thing you have to do

i have to have all of you too